Attachment Issues


Yoli+Otis wrap found here

I came to realize today that I have attachment issues.  My attachment issues don’t stem from tangible things, pets, food, family members.  Instead I am attached to memories.

I was presented with an interesting opportunity and it made me reflect on the things I hold most dear to me aside from the obvious.  As it turns out I am deeply attached to photos I take, not for what they are but rather for their role as keepers of memories and emotions.

They’re little milestones in my life and that of my family.  I lived them, I captured them, and I hold them dear.  I suppose it sounds weird coming from a mom who blogs her children’s lives on the internet, who has a public Instagram account and a kids shop.  But often I forget who reads my blog, or Instagram, or shops in my store.  I often feel like I do it all just for me and my photos are my own.  Personal.  My own little world.

I like to look at my photos and remember how I felt in that moment.  How a flower smelled, or how my pistachio ice cream tasted.  The giggle that Johannes made or the squeal that came before Magnus’ belly laugh.  They’re my life online, but my life none-the-less.  Some people journal, I don’t.  I take photos and blog.  Although I’ve posted over five thousand images on Instagram alone, and likely more on this blog here those are a curated selection.  For every image I post I wish I could post five more.  I have the toughest time  selecting what to share, because I love them all, and each memory is special to me.  It sounds weird, I know.

Its confusing.  I’m still confused.  Unsure of what course to take with the opportunity I referenced earlier and which I can’t quite talk about. But that’s life right?  No easy pathways or clear courses.  We work our way through windy tunnels and hope to find a little light at the very end.

So with that all being said, here are just a few of the 200 photos I took this weekend with my family.

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why I don’t want Magnus to sleep through the night


Almost every mom or dad I know has one goal, to get their baby to sleep through the night.  And at one time I did too.  When Johannes was little, this was my goal.  I couldn’t wait for him to sleep through the night so I could rest.

But things are different now.  Being a mom of a four year old taught me just how fast time passes.

With Magnus I’m not in a hurry to have him sleep without interruptions.  At night he wakes up and wants to nurse.  I hear him cry, I rub my eyes awake, pull up my hair, and tiptoe down the hall to his room.  I pick him up and sit down in the old chair in his room.  He nurses quietly but quickly.  When he’s done, he pulls off, lays his head down on the nursing pillow and snuggles into me.  I let him stay like this a few minutes before giving his little cheeks kisses and putting him back in his crib.  They are fleeting moments these night nursings.

Tonight when Magnus cried out for me earlier than usual I thought about him sleeping through the night, and though the sleep would be nice after all, I have a choice to make.  And I choose to get up every night, sleepy and only half awake.  Make my way down the hall to his tiny room and cuddle him like he needs to be cuddled.  There are worst things in life than being wanted by your kids.

Asking For Help


Early Thursday morning I woke up feeling different.  The pain in my stomach quickly turned into nausea, and the slight chill I had been feeling evolved into a full blown fever.  I had the stomach flu.  At 32 years old, I experienced my first ever stomach flu, and it was awful.

At 4:30am Magnus woke up to eat and it took everything in me to get through that nursing session without vomiting.  I was ill.  Brutally ill.  I quickly told Michael that I suspected I had food poisoning and asked him to stay home to help me.  I made a half attempt to message my coworkers and let them know I wouldn’t be available that day, and proceeded to get through the next 10 hours in a state of constant sleep interrupted only by trips to the toilet.

Did I mention it was bad?

Somehow I managed to nurse Magnus during the day but I don’t remember it much.  By 1pm I was feeling well enough to call my mom and ask her to come over and help me pack Johannes’ clothes for his trip, and also to have him sleep at my parents’ house on the chance that the next day I wouldn’t be fit to drive him.

I asked for help. I reached out.  It was the best decision I made.

Mom’s often don’t ask for help enough.  As thought its a badge of honour to trudge through life battling the impossible and making it out with battle scars to prove just how worthy we are at motherhood.  I fell into the same traps when I had Johannes, but I’ve learned.  Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, its a sign of having an amazing support system around me. Its a sign that I care enough to take care of myself so that I can be the best mother I can be to my children.  Its also a way to show these boys that its ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help and to receive it when the time comes.

I thought of all this last week, as I lay in bed, wishing I hadn’t eaten that leftover piece of salmon from the fridge.  We are not alone, us moms, and we don’t have to do it ALL on our own.

**the photos are completely unrelated to my experience, just some bits and pieces of my life this week that I want to remember just so.**

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on him: Hux baby X tee and Alphabet leggings found here

Magnus turned seven months the other day.  He’s becoming such a big boy and really trying to keep up with his big brother.  Everyone tells you that time goes by even faster with a second, or third baby, but its hard to imagine until it happens to you.  I feel as though he’s changing in the blink of an eye.  Unlike when Johannes got older though, this time I’m prepared, and genuinely excited.  I love what’s to come, and can’t wait to see how Magnus changes, the funny things he will do and say, and getting to see him take his very first steps.

Sweet Magnus is big but gentle.  You wouldn’t know that he’s overtired, EVER, because when he is tired he simply gets a little quieter and gigglier.  He loves to nurse, especially at night, and I’m completely ok with waking up to do this, I almost cherish those moments.  Magnus now gets up on all fours, and has discovered that if he wants to get somewhere he can.  Be it through wiggles, or lunges, or rolls, he is mobile, and crawling is just around the corner.

There are no signs of teeth yet, but that doesn’t stop him from eating or chewing.  What started off as a reluctant love affair with food, has now evolved into a true love.  There is no food that he has tasted yet which he doesn’t love, and unlike how I was when Johannes was a baby, I am much less cautious this time around.  If Magnus wants to try it I let him, be it chunks of bread or strawberries or bites of banana, I’m kind of all for it.

My car rides are a bit noisier now.  Johannes has found an audience in his little brother and so the silliness is at an all-time-high.  Magnus in turn finds his big brother hilarious, so no more quiet peaceful drives for me. I am almost certain that Magnus’ first word will be “farts”, because he hears it over and over and over again.

S E V E N – its treating us pretty well so far.

Spring Weekend


For the first time in months we had a gorgeous weekend full of sunshine and warmth.  It was so wonderful to spend hours and hours outside.  To do our groceries on the main street full of little shops.  To take the kids to the park and watch them play.  To run outside again on the lakeshore and BBQ outside in our back yard.  We had a taste of what’s to come and all of us including the kids couldn’t be happier.

In Toronto it gets pretty cold in the winters, and for what feels like eternity, we hardly get to enjoy the outdoors.  So at the slightest glimpse of warm sunshine every family heads outdoors. We greet our neighbours again, marvel at how much the kids have grown and start to clean up our gardens.  Its sort of a tradition almost.

One thing I realized I desperately need, is a new running stroller.  A double one so I can run with both boys.  Its much too hard to let Johannes ride his bike along side us.  Constantly watching to make sure he doesn’t fall, and being limited by the distance we can travel.  So this week I’m starting that journey to find a stroller I can use with both kids, so that I can start to truly get back into shape.

What did you guys do this weekend?

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(photos taken with iPhone | mocks, slippers and leggings available here)

After a long week of being away, Michael and Johannes came home on Saturday.  To say that I missed them would be an understatement.  We are a family of four now and it just didn’t feel right having them away.  The house felt empty, the night time was scary and breakfasts were lonely.

Johannes had a wonderful time out West with our family though, and I’m so glad he got to have one on one time with Michael. As much as I missed them, I also enjoyed getting to know Magnus on his own as well.  He’s always such an easy going baby, super happy and mostly calm and quiet.  But during the week he came out of his shell a little bit.  He became more vocal and a little more snuggly, all things that make my heart happy.

In the end the boys came home just in time for Easter Sunday!