38 weeks


Home stretch! The end always feels the hardest, but I forget that it ends just as quickly as it’s begun. In less than a month we will have a new baby in the house and my body is prepping for no sleep by waking me up every hour now with either hip pain or bladder needs. I will miss this, mostly the belly movement and the hiccups. But I’m ready to meet this little guy.

On the home front we have been battling the fever, a serious sore throat, coughing and as of this morning…an eye infection. No it’s not me, it’s Johannes. He’s sick. We are headed to the doctor just as soon as the office opens, hopefully he can kick this (whatever it is) quickly and get back to his cheerful self. Until then we are spending our days in bed watching old movies and eating popcorn.

Life Lately

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I’m not sure if its the pregnancy, or the realization that summer is almost over, or maybe a combination of everything, but I’ve been finding it really difficult to do much of anything lately.  By 1pm I’m tired and ready for a nap, and at night I toss and turn and wake up every hour to go to the bathroom.  I miss sleeping.

But despite appearances online and on Instagram, there are super exciting things happening around me too.  For starters my baby brother got engaged, and to a red-head after all!  What are the odds that we both fall in love and marry red-heads!!?  I hashtag this one #awesome.

Our tiny little urban garden has also exploded lately yielding plenty of tomatoes, cucumbers, beets, carrots, basil, peppers and broccoli.  Johannes loves to pick the ripe veggies and eat the tomatoes straight off the vine.  There were a few weeks there where raccoons were eating most of our vegetables, but we bought this “scarecrow” aka motion sensor sprinkler that now squirts them every time they come into our yard.  1 point for me….0 points for the raccoons.

Then just this weekend Johannes passed level 2 swimming.  He is now officially in level 3 and I couldn’t be more proud.  He swam 30meters unassisted…30!  I am pretty sure I’d be totally exhausted swimming an entire pool length, yet somehow my 3 year old did it.

So now we wait for baby brother.  I’m 38 weeks pregnant and out of everyone else who was pregnant and due the same week as me, it seems I am the only one left pregnant.  But I make big babies.  Big, hearty babies, who don’t like to make an early exit.  I even tried playing soccer with Johannes this afternoon and gardening in the hopes that all that activity and running would give him a nudge….but it seems I only managed to give myself a back ache and fat ankles.

no such thing as the “best way” in motherhood

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I feel like when you become a mother you suddenly get bombarded with ideas and opinions on “the best way” to mother.  The best way to feed your baby.  The best way for them to sleep.  The best way to give birth.

I think its all rather irrelevant in the greater scheme of mothering, which as far as I can tell…lasts a lifetime..

Breast vs bottle.  Attachment parenting.  Co-sleeping.  CIO.  They’re choices we make as parents.  But do they yield a better bond, a better future for our children if we chose one over the other?  I don’t know that they do.  For me they don’t matter.

To me there’s no such thing as the best way to mother a child.  For the most part we do the best we can with what we have, and the information we are given.  But I think the guilt of thinking perhaps we made a mistake in how we raise our kids can leave a lasting impact.

I’m completely guilty of all of this.  I too used to think that there was a “right and wrong way” to do certain things.  I suppose that is why I felt so much guilt after I had Johannes via emergency c-section.

But its changing.  With this pregnancy I was hoping to have a VBAC.  But not because I wanted to prove something to myself, or anyone else for that matter.  I wanted a VBAC because the doctor advised me that it was the safest thing to do.  Now I face the prospect of another c-section.  This little boy is breech.  I get to have an ultrasound tomorrow to check and make sure that all is ok, and then I’m free to try various exercises and massages to try and flip him into position.  Even then there is a 50% chance that he won’t flip.

I thought I would be more or less upset about it but I’m not.  I guess I feel somewhat indifferent.  My goal is to have a healthy baby and the means by which he lands in my arms is not as important to me right now.  I look at Johannes and how he’s grown and I feel proud.  I know that some of this is as a result of my parenting, even if its only a small part.  I don’t think I would be any closer to him had I had a natural birth, a water birth, a vaginal birth.  Its just a product of our relationship and our connection is organic.

I nursed Johannes for a year, but before he was born I was dead set against nursing.  I didn’t think it was for me.  I thought it would feel unnatural.  And who knows, maybe the second time around I won’t want to, or maybe I won’t be able to nurse.  But I know with certainty that I will love this little boy just as much as I love Johannes.  So as moms we just do our very best.

I’d love to hear your thoughts?  Have you ever been made to feel like maybe your choices as a mom weren’t the right ones?

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For now our afternoons are quiet and reflective.  After finishing work and picking up Johannes from summer camp I’m usually exhausted and in need of 20minutes of quiet time to lie in bed and let the swelling and aches subside.  Johannes usually reads his books beside me or opts to watch a fishing show.  I’m trying desperately to hold on to these final moments because I know in a just a short time it won’t be just him and I alone after school or camp is over.  It will be three of us.  Each with our own agenda.  Johannes and I have, for the most part, a seamless existence.  We get each other, we know what works and what the routine ought to be.  Soon though we will figure out a new routine, and new needs of a brand new member of the family.  The signs of his imminent arrival are visible all throughout the house.  His room, the car seat, baby toys and now the bassinet that my friend was so kind to lend us for the first little bit.  I have no doubt that once the little one comes he will fit right in.  We will adapt and adjust and I will love every minute of our new version of quiet.

a weekend in pictures

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I guess I took a little impromptu vacay from the blog and social media but it was needed.  One of my work projects has been incredibly taxing for months, often needing 70-80 hours of work time and leaving me hardly any time for family or hobbies (blog included).  I try my best to juggle a career with family life, friends and extra projects, but this time it got to be too much and I needed to shut it down and just focus on one task at a time.

Now the taxing project is almost over, at least the hard part is.  Johannes, who started his summer vacation is back in summer camp this week, and I’m inching closer to my due date.  We are 99% done decorating our home and most importantly, our little boy’s room.  It feels so good to get this place done and know that come September 3rd I don’t have any projects to tend to, and can focus on my boys.

I hope you all enjoyed your July 4th or Canada Day holiday weekends!  It was a blast and the summer goes on!

bits + pieces and a happy long weekend

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It’s Canada Day long weekend!  I’ve been a little busy with work lately but I’m hoping to put an end to that soon and be able to get back not only to this blog, but my family and friends as well.  Its been a long couple of months, and with less than 10weeks left of this pregnancy I’m really hoping to spend some time enjoying my two boys for a little bit before we’re thrust head on into newbornhood.