but i’m going to anyway.
i think most parents have good and bad days, and today was one of those bad. it didn’t start today, it started on saturday. the whining. non-stop whining. hysterical screams during change time. the battle to brush his teeth. the freakouts over every minute little thing. it was all made worse by a new phase where he only wants his dad and completely rejects me.
it makes me mad. sad. heartbroken.
i’m not sure the rejection from a child ever gets easier. add that to the constant crying and fighting and its a recipe for disaster.
i’m not very proud of myself as a mom today. i reached a breaking point i didn’t know i had, and am ashamed to even admit to. today i wanted to run. to close the door behind me and leave. for the first time ever the thought felt possible and even inviting.
i didn’t leave ofcourse, but i wanted to. and i’m ashamed. now that j is asleep i feel guilty and confused. i crept back up the stairs after he fell asleep and whispered “i’m sorry”. i’m sorry for the guilty secret awful thought i had today. because i’m his mom, his protector and his voice and i should never feel that way. i’m hoping tomorrow it gets easier again. i’m hoping i will be stronger than i was today.
Oh Momma, your post made me cry. As Mothers, we all have those kind of days/weeks. It’s not easy and sometimes it makes us have crazy, selfish thoughts, but the fact that you didn’t leave and told him “I’m sorry” speaks volumes. Monday was a day like that for me. I felt so guilty when I went to bed….I just wasn’t proud of myself. I gave him extra love the next day and it was a lot better. I read a blog post once about a Mom who was having a bad day and she asked her toddler for a hug and it made everyone feel better….and you know what? One day I started doing the same and it does work! Give it a try. Hugs heal. Prayers for you during this season!!
Oh my goodness Ana, I can totally relate to this post, and I am so sorry to hear that you had a rough mothering day. I pretty much spent M’s first year of life feeling like this. He has been an incredibly difficult baby. Add that to the fact that he wasn’t “planned,” and yeah, you have a real recipe for some pretty serious resentment and horrible, horrible guilt. I was whispering “I’m sorry” multiple times every day. What I have learned, is that it’s okay to have those thoughts, it’s entirely normal actually. It’s what we do with them that matters. Each day, I woke up, I told myself that it would be better, and some days were. Some days I didn’t want to run. Eventually those days meshed together more and I went a few days in a row. I never gave up on him, despite the fact that I really, really wanted to some days. The guilt that came along with these feelings was enough to nearly distance me from him more, until I realized what was happening and started working on our attachment. I used to think that he hated me. Now I just understand that he is a very particular little boy, he gets overstimulated easily, and he is the most difficult with me, because he actually feels the most attached to me, and therefore knows it’s safe to be his little self. And I agree with Brandi above, hugs to help— and watching them when they are at peace (sleeping, quietly reading or playing).
I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel any better I actually told Andrew yesterday that I was going to run away from home!
He of course knew I was joking, but the whining….ugh! We all have bad days. Just know the good days waaaay outweigh the bad. I’m betting today will be much better!
I relate to this post on such a deep level. With Husband out of town constantly for work, and few friends in the area, I have had days like this, with Maile, more than I care to admit. It’s OKAY. You are Mama, yes. But you are HUMAN. Sending a big hug to you!
we ALL have those days. i can certainly relate to this. and, the reason you feel guilty is because you’re a GOOD mom. hugs to you and a better tomorrow. xo
Awww…hugs. All of us mommas have been there. It’s the hardest job in the world.
I can totally relate to this post. I have 21 month old twins and have had some trying days lately. Then the guilt comes in after they go to sleep and I just think they they just complete my life and how much I love them. I remind myself that its my reaction to how they behave that determines my day, not what they do. Tomorrow is always another day, full of fresh starts. Its tough being a Momma some days, and I think we dont give ourselves enough credit.
I loved the honesty in your post! So refreshing! I think all of us moms have been there. I’ve lost my temper a couple of times – oh the guilt. I’m sorry for the rough times – I’m sending you a big virtual hug.
Oh honey, we’ve all had those days – or will soon! It’s impossible to *not* feel guilty when you have a day like that. I’ve been on edge lately with fatigue and pregnancy hormones, and sometimes just tear up over small annoyances. So my poor little dude has picked up on it and will say “Mommy cryin’” or “Mommy sad” and I just try to tell him the truth – I’m not sad, I’m just really, really tired. I feel bad that he’s seeing me that way, but it’s not all the time. Frankly I think it’s good for kids to observe and experience all kinds of emotions, as long as we let them know when it’s truly not their fault, or if it is, remember (amid the craziness) to turn it into a lesson.
Chin up!
I 100% relate to this and have thought this MANY times. It’s terrible, I know, but it can be SO HARD. I constantly say to myself that I don’t know how Mom’s do it…I thought I would be SO much better at being a Mom than I really am
:( You’re amazing, you’re the best Mom J could ask for!
It takes a lot of guts to acknowledge moments like these, but we ALL have them! The great thing is eventually the bad stuff ends, we regroup, then start fresh.
I really appreciate this post for the honesty. Of course all us moms have felt this once and will again, we’re human. It’s an immense amount of pressure all day EVERYDAY.
But it’s refreshing to read about it on a blog. I have to say I get really tired sometimes of seeing these mommy blogs with nothing but pictures of their cute kids in their cute outfits looking smiley and perfect all the time. I get it, but there’s more to kids than clothes and sometimes mamas need to just vent!!
So thank you.