but i’m going to anyway.
i think most parents have good and bad days, and today was one of those bad. it didn’t start today, it started on saturday. the whining. non-stop whining. hysterical screams during change time. the battle to brush his teeth. the freakouts over every minute little thing. it was all made worse by a new phase where he only wants his dad and completely rejects me.
it makes me mad. sad. heartbroken.
i’m not sure the rejection from a child ever gets easier. add that to the constant crying and fighting and its a recipe for disaster.
i’m not very proud of myself as a mom today. i reached a breaking point i didn’t know i had, and am ashamed to even admit to. today i wanted to run. to close the door behind me and leave. for the first time ever the thought felt possible and even inviting.
i didn’t leave ofcourse, but i wanted to. and i’m ashamed. now that j is asleep i feel guilty and confused. i crept back up the stairs after he fell asleep and whispered “i’m sorry”. i’m sorry for the guilty secret awful thought i had today. because i’m his mom, his protector and his voice and i should never feel that way. i’m hoping tomorrow it gets easier again. i’m hoping i will be stronger than i was today.