So before I even say much, I’m warning you guys here and now that the photos in this post are graphic and if you don’t want to see them then just don’t look. However, this is my blog, my life and my experience so I will post whatever I please.
Now to explain. I have had three c-sections, the first was an emergency, completely unplanned and to be honest, quite traumatic. For a long time I felt like my participation in my own birth was not even required. It left me feeling inadequate and depressed for months and just generally like I missed out on something special. To carry a tiny human inside you for months and months. To bond with them, to love them, to dream of how they will enter this world, and then to have that all change at the last minute is hard.
I did eventually let it go. I understood why the surgery was necessary and I forgave myself for not having been better at birthing babies. When Magnus was born I was prepared. I tried a VBAC which didn’t materialize, but in the back of my mind I knew another surgery was a possibility. I accepted the c-section as a tool to keep both me and my baby safe and let go of my wants and desires to prove my worth as a mom through how I birthed my babies. However, even with a much more positive experience having a scheduled csection at 41 weeks, I still felt somewhat disconnected from what was happening to my body and my baby. So when I got pregnant with Henrik I wanted to make it different and take back some control.
I originally asked my OB if I could have a clear curtain at the delivery instead of the usual dark blue one so I could see what was happening and watch my son be born. But that was out of the question as the hospital I was delivering at did not have a policy to allow it. So then I asked if I could have someone photograph it instead…that someone being my husband Michael. They said OK. It took some convincing but in the end Michael agreed to photograph my experience. To participate in his son’s birth and give me the peace of mind to know what was, what it looked like and imagine that I was a part of it too rather than just the vessel. I know these photos aren’t for everyone. I know everyone’s experience is different. But this is mine. This is what I needed to heal and close out this chapter of motherhood, pregnancy and delivery. With my last baby, my last pregnancy and my last delivery I took back control. And it feels good.
Thank you Michael, my partner in life, and my best friend for doing this for me. All the photos he took in this post are with an iPhone 7Plus and edited in VSCO. You guys can follow Michael’s Instagram account here, and my account here.