A few days after we came home from the hospital with baby J I got the baby blues. What do the baby blues feel like?
I will never forget the first time I felt it.
I was laying on the couch, with my 5 day old son. He started having the hiccups. I looked at him, hiccuping on my chest, just like he had when he was inside my belly.
I thought about how just days ago I was patting my baby bump trying to calm his hiccups, and now he was outside of me…on my chest…no longer a part of my body, but his own separate person.
I thought about how fast 5 days had gone. How fast 9 months had passed. How fast my whole 28 years of life had flown by.
I thought about how every day, every minute, every second that passed we were getting older, J was getting older. How one day I would blink and he would be a teenager, an adult, a father, a grandfather, maybe a great grandfather. And how I would watch everyone around me age, deteriorate and eventually pass away…myself included.
I had never been afraid of my own mortality, but now I was. I was petrified of getting old, of not seeing my son’s entire life transpire, and of him one day passing away too, just like the rest of us. In an instant my mood changed. I stopped thinking clearly and I began to panic. I was overwhelmed by this unbelievable weight of grief and fear. I started to cry, and cry. I remember soaking baby J’s head with tears as Michael watched and wondered what was happening to me.
For a few weeks, every day was a struggle. I would wake up feeling ok, normal, relatively well rested. But as the day wore on, as daylight faded I would sink deeper and deeper into a state of depression which I feared would be with me forever.
But I was lucky. My baby blues faded, day by day, and I slowly returned to normal. My fear diminished, and the panic disappeared.
However not everyone is as lucky. Postpartum Depression is very very real. So if you think you have the baby blues, and they last more than a couple of weeks, or if your emotions seem like more than you can handle, please talk to your doctor. Here are a few great resources for you to look at:
I am posting this today because I think baby blues are very very common, but not always talked about. So this is my experience.