Is there such a thing as a cure for the blues? I guess the answer is multi-dimensional but overall there is no cure as far as I can tell.
I hoped the baby blues would stay away the second time around, but I wasn’t so lucky. They came in with a vengeance on the second night we were home, and although I expected them, knew what it was and reminded myself that “it too shall pass”, I still suffered (suffer) three weeks out.
The blues for me start in the evening, or early afternoon. I suppose that is when I am most tired, drained of patience and resources that keep me sane. On the first night I had them I was covering up Johannes who had completely kicked off all of his covers and now looked cold and shivering to me. I looked at him and remembered how he once was tiny just like Magnus. How I used to pat his bum as a newborn to try and get rid of his hiccups, and how I would rock him to sleep with the sound of his seahorse playing in the background. I suddenly felt an overwhelming fear of death, much like the last time I had the blues. I feeling of impending doom. Dread for the future and how quickly things change and how we all, including these babies, are not immune from getting old and one day ceasing to exist.
I suddenly longed for the days when Johannes was little, and wished deeply that I could turn back the clock of time. I cried for a while. I told Michael how I was feeling, that the blues were back. I talked about it much more than I had the last time, with my husband and friends. This time I felt less alone in my depression. I now have mom friends who all went through the same stages, who felt various degrees of sadness. We shared it with one another and it felt less lonely. It helped.
Johannes, during the blues time of day helped remind me how funny he is, and how age hasn’t been a bad thing, but rather a way for us to get to know him better. As sweet and little as he used to be, he is now a little human with a sense of humour and an emerging personality. He is a source of inspiration and hope and helped tremendously.
A glass of wine or beer with dinner also worked wonders, and I have one like medicine every night….unapologetically. So where am I now? I still feel a bit down in the evenings, especially on rainy dark days. But its getting better with each day. What helps the most is knowing, from experience, that it will fade and give way for hope and positivity. In the meantime I lean on my friends and family for support…and that glass of vino with my dinner.